little sisters boyfriend dj is at my house all the time...not just when cort is home but when shes not there too...i'm not complaining or anything cause lets face it i dont have much of a social life and hanging out with him is way better than hanging out with my parents every night...dj and i are like bffs now...lol...
so last week he comes into my house and says "if they ever do another family edition of the amazing race i think me cort kate and chase would be a good team"...omg its one of my dreams in life and hes just gonna kick me off the family team like that!!!...i couldnt believe it...so in that one little sentence that was meant to be completely harmless he brought up all of my repressed panic of omg i am going to be alone for the rest of my life...
there really is no hope for me...i should just except it...but it makes me really sad...ya know that saying is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...well i'm gonna go with the first part because it has got to be better than this...if i dont think about it i'm okay but when its thrown in my face it's kinda depressing...i know dj doesnt mean to upset me when he says things like "this winter me and cort and chase and kate are gonna go skiing do you want to go with us"...yeah sure i'll go theres nothing like being the 5th wheel on a ski trip and pay for everything...are you kidding me? NO I DONT WANT TO GO...its just another slap in the face...ya know...
its completely my fault to because no matter how much i pretend like i have my act together in reality i dont...i have super low confidence in myself...i say things to myself like "ugh how could you even think that any guy would ever be interested in you"...and because i have this mindset i dont put myself out there at all...and if i dont put myself out there i'll never find anyone...and if i dont ever find anyone then my self confidence goes down...so its an evil cycle that i cant seem to break out of...and to those of you who say just get out there my answer to you is its not that easy...sure in theory it makes sense but in practice it just doesnt work...i'm getting anxiety right now just thinking about it...
so yeah i built up this box that i live in and i cant seem to get out of it...i tried this year i really did but i seem to be right back where i started...i dont know what to do to fix it but i want to...i really dont want to be alone for the rest of my life...that is my biggest fear in life...i want to find someone to love and who will love my back...is that too much to ask for?...i dont think so...if everyone else can find their match where is mine?....grrrr...its sad and frustrating all at the same time...
i guess that enough of my whining...**sigh**...i'll talk to you later
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