sometimes i just dont get it

on wednesday morning i ran into one of my ex best friends at the train station...there was no awkwardness at all...it was like we never stopped being friends and jumped right into chatting away...and its times like that one that make me wonder why we even stopped being friends to begin with...and it always makes me a little sad...i just dont get it...so before i go any further how about i share the story of our friendship...

it all started back in mr. himber's 10th grade english class...that was school year 2000-2001...10 years ago...wow!...he was new to the school and thanks to alphabetical order he sat behind me...we worked on a project together and i slowly began to develop a crush on him...he was cute and it was so easy to talk to him and we had a ton in common and we got along so well...at that point we were really just friends in english class...

then 11th grade came rolling around and we were in a few classes together...including study hall...so we had time to actually talk to each other for substantial amounts of time instead of a few minutes before of after class...we became super close to each other and to 2 other girls in our study hall...the four of us were pretty much inseparable...if i wasnt at school or dance class i was hanging out with them or on the phone with them or chatting on aim with them...even though we were all close friends i was always closest to him...and even though i was crushin hard on him i never let that get in the way of our friendship and i was never nervous around him...it was always so easy...it was like we completely understood each other...he even understood all the dumb things that drove me crazy...because they drove him crazy too...we were totally two peas in a pod...

junior year was awesome!...then summer came rollin around...he came down the shore with me all the time...he even came to vegas with me on vacation at the end of the summer...we had so much fun!...then i blew it...on the flight home i wrote him this huge note telling him how i felt...and clearly he had no interest in any sort of romantic relationship with me...this should have been something that was devastating to me...but at the time it really wasnt (i think it def had a long term effect on my confidence...but thats another story for another time)...i dont even remember if i cried or not...i think i was more worried about our awesome friendship being ruined over one stupid note than i was upset about my crush not liking me back...when we got back home we never actually talked about it...we just exchanged a few emails...even back then i was better at writing my feelings instead of speaking them...when we saw each other in person it was slightly awkward at first but not really too bad...we were right back to normal...

senior year started and everything was great...we hung out almost every day after school and on the weekends and stuff...the 4 of us always had so much fun together...there was never any drama...we even planned a trip to disney world after graduation...i was a happy camper...then around january or februaryish everyone started talking about prom...he told us he was gonna ask this girl to go with him...they knew each other but werent super close friends...so he asked her to go to prom and i said hey if you guys are gonna go to the prom together then you should hang out some...so i started to invite her to hang out with us...soon after her group of 4 friends joined our group of 4 friends and we became a group of 8...this was great for a while...until they started to phase me out of the group...to this day i still have no idea why they did this...i even confronted him about it and never really got an answer...i was so invested in my friendship with not just him but all of them that all the drama with them and feeling like they were cutting me out really made the tail end of senior year miserable...this time i definitely cried...more than once...oh and he started dating the girl he went to prom with and didnt even tell me...we were supposed to be best friends, thats the kinda thing you tell your best friend...right?!...well anyway...we graduated and went to disney together...but i was so unhappy that i didnt even want to go to disney...me not want to go to disney? are you kidding?! nope! not kidding...i did not want to go...but i did and we had a good time but it just wasnt as good as it could have been...and that summer i saw them about 3 times...that was it

you would think that the story would end there...nope...we both decided to go to the same college...and we had the same major...having the same major at a small school equals lots of classes together...and again even though things kinda blew up at the end of high school we were back to being friends...we didnt see each other ALL THE TIME like we used to but in class and between classes we still talked to each other...we still had tons of things in common...we still had fun and laughed alot...but we really didnt hang out outside of school like we used to...not helping that was the fact that i lived at home and he lived on campus...but like i said we we still friends...well at least i thought we were...

four years of college went by just like that...i realized that it was always great when it was just the two of us...juat like it always was...and even though he was still really close to everyone else in that group of 8 from high school, i very rarely saw any of them...which leads me to believe that its one of them who didnt like me but i cant be sure...so i totally gave up on having any sort of friendship with them...but i was trying to hold onto my friendship with him as long as possible...it was hard and i knew i couldnt do it much longer...especially after we finished college...

so after 7 years of friendship the day finally came when i had to let go...i was on my way to another friend's graduation party and passed by his house...only to see that he was having a huge graduation party...a party that i was not invited to...that was it...i was done...i couldnt keep trying to hold a friendship together that he clearly wanted no part of...

that was almost 4 years ago...since then i think we saw each other maybe 3 or 4 times...no 3 times...we went to dinner once...and i saw him on the train twice...and each time its like we never parted ways...thanks to facebook we know whats going on in each others lives...last fall he married the girl he went to the senior prom with...so we dont really need to waste a ton of time catching up...we just get right back into everything we used to talk about...like tv shows and what we think about this or that...just normal things that friends would talk about...

so thats the story...and thats why i dont understand why we arent friends anymore...it doesnt really make any sense to me...if someone can point out what happened that would be ne great...but i think it will just have to be one of the unanswered questions in life...

if youre still reading this sorry its soo long...but seeing him brings back so many memories...and i just had to write about it, let it all out, so it wouldnt consume my thoughts for the next few days...

well thats all for now...until next time, happy blogging!!!

its a smiley kinda day

hey bloggers!

i'm back!...thats right happy ashley is back in action!!! its really a combination of things that turned my frown upside down...last week i felt like crying all the time but this week i cant help but smile! =)

first i took a deep breath and realized my life really isnt that bad...as far as life experience goes my romance column is blank but so what?...i have plenty of other columns that are full...and whatever has (or has not) happened to me in the past is in the past...its impossible to change, so why dwell on it???...im done saying "well this is what's happened to me before so why will anything be different going forward"...now i say whatever happens happens...and there is no need for my past to dictate my future!...i am awesome!...if other people dont see that then thats their loss not mine!

im also in birthday bash planning mode...which isnt much except for telling some people when and where to show up...haha!...im excited to celebrate my birthday...i feel like i do a lot for everyone else all the time...im totally a people pleaser...but my birthday is my day to have it my way...and thats the way i like it! (10 points if you just thought of the bsb song...haha!)

but the one thing that really tipped the scales of course has to do with my boys...i know youre all so surprised by this...haha...yesterday was backstreet boys 18th anniversary!...there was sooo much backstreet love out there yesterday it was insane...it was mostly on twitter but it was still out there...my timeline was flooded with bsb love all day!...celebrating all day got me so excited for the nkotBSB tour this summer and for the cruise in december...they seem so much more excited for this years cruise than last years cruise which in turn makes me more excited!...haha!...for a long time little sis and i felt like we were among the very few fans left but now i know thats totally not true...and it feels good to be part of one big happy fan community!!!...oh and nkotbsb will be on dwts next week...so make sure you tune in tuesday night at 9 for some awesomeness!!!

so my advice to everyone today is to get out there and do whatever it is that makes you happy!...being happy is way better than being sad!!! =)

bsb icebreakers

first i want to apologize to those of you who normally read this blog and have no interest in backstreet boys...its a very exciting time to be a fan right now so i find my self wanting to talk about them all the time!...haha!

second i want to thank laura for posting these icebreakers on her blog...i thought it was a great idea...so i stole the questions and want to answer them...

third...well i dont really have a third it just sounded good...haha!...now on to the questions...

~who is your fav backstreet boy and why?
howie is my fav!!!...he became my fave when i saw the picture for the everybody single...i dont know there was just something about the picture that made me say omg!...and then add that to the qpg rain scene...oh man!...i also liked that he wasnt as popular...hes was like the underdog and i like that!...now i think he looks better than ever!!!...(short hair is WAY better than that long hair he had going on for a while...ugh)

~ what's the craziest thing youve ever done for the backstreet boys?
i think just the sheer number of times ive gone to their concerts...while i know that there are fans out there who have been to more than me but i havent met them yet...if you count the cruise as 1 show then i have been to 34 bsb concerts!...ive gone all over to see them...jersey (obvi)...vegas...kentucky...new york... minnesota...florida...connecticut...north carolina...philly...middle of the ocean...im going to texas this summer...i even crossed the atlantic and saw a concert in london...i think thats it...but back in the day just going to the concert wasnt enough...we had to get there early in the morning and wait outside the venue all day!...sounds crazy i know...but sometimes it paid off...ill talk about those a few questions down...haha!... =)

~favorite album?
its hard to pick because i love all of their 7 albums...but if i had to pick just one i think i would go with THIS IS US...i love every single song from start to finish...its such a fun album!!!

~ favorite song?
i def cant pick just one...as you can tell from my post a few weeks ago...haha!...but at the top of the list would def be ALL I HAVE TO GIVE...SHOW ME THE MEANING... SHATTERED...TROUBLE IS...omg there are so many that i love!!! haha!

~least favorite song
this is easier than it should be...but im not a fan of i want it that way (ducks for cover)...i know i know...youre screaming at me "how can you not like iwitw?!"...the answer is simple...its not that i dont like it, its just my least favorite...its their most popular song by far but thats what makes me kinda sad...i think they have sooo many songs that are sooo much better but not too many people know those...they only know iwitw...and at their concerts the crowd goes wild for the song...its like some people came only for that one song and thats it...and i say well what about the rest of the songs!...haha!

~most memorable bsb moment
i have a few...first is the cruise...the whole thing was amazing!!...if you havent done so already you can check out my detailed recap...links are at the bottom...

next would be seeing howie in charlotte airport...wow...i still cant believe that happened...i recaped that too...the link is at the bottom

there are also the 3 times that sitting infront of a concert venue all day actually paid off...1 time we saw howie walking to his bus durring the never gone tour...this was the first time i saw him up close...some how i managed to ask for a picture (which is framed and on my night stand...haha!)...the other 2 times were getting into fan conferences...those were so cool!!...they were just like a press conference but for the fans instead...anyone who wanted to could line up and ask questions to them...you couldnt ask for hugs or autographs but it was still great just to be able to ask any questions at all... =)

~which bsb has your fav voice?
this is hard for me because i think they all sound so fabulous...but if i had to pick just one i think i would go wiiiith: AJ!

~what made you become a fan?
i think i have an entry about this but im not sure...ill have to check the archives and if there is one ill post the link at the bottom...but i can give you the short answer to this question now...i started to become a true fan durring spring break '98 (i was in 7th grade...lol)...we were in vegas and little sis saw an ad for a bsb concert on august 7...my mom got us tickets for this concert...so i thought well if im gonna go to this concert i should start to like this group...i studied up from april to august so when it was time to go to the concert i was in love...but actually going to the concert is what sealed the deal for life!!!

~which bsb are you most like and why?
well the easy answer here is NICK...based on all the same answers we had durring the question and answer from the cruise how could i not say nick...haha!!!

well thats it folks!...for more details to some of these questions dont be afraid to click on the links below...also feel free to answer these questions yourself...i love hearing everyone's stories!!!

How Can You Pick Just 5 Fav BSB Songs?
BSB Cruise 2010 - Day 1
BSB Cruise 2010 - Day 2
BSB Cruise 2010 - Day 3
BSB Cruise 2010 - Day 4
How I Almost Met Howie D!
This Is How I Became a Fan

oh april

here we are...its the middle of april already...can you believe it?!

ive always had a secret love hate relationship with this month...on the outside i love it...whats not to love?...the weather is getting warmer...it stays light later...and most importantly it means my birthday is coming up! yay!...i love my birthday!!! haha!...

but on the inside april is the exact time of year when i start to panic...i start to think omg my birthday is in a month!...its not really anxiety over getting older because my age doesnt really bother me (it is what it is and everyone has one...haha!)...its more anxiety over all the things i havent done yet but should have...its like a big giant reminder that another year has gone without accomplishing important life goals...and then it leads me to wonder if things are gonna be like this forever and i should just accept my fate...or if things are gonna change for me and if so, when will that be???...

i have to admit that my anxiety is slightly greater this year than it was last year...i think a lot of that has to do with the fact that last year at this time i had myself totally convinced that concert guy would be the answer to a lot of my problems...in this loosely based on reality world i created and thought i was living in, he would be my michael vartan...he would save me from lame central...so i wasnt too worried...

this year is totally different...im back to reality and realize its not lookin too good...i have no crush to pretend to be my hero...i have no crazy plan for this hero to rescue me...i have no light shining at the end of the tunnel...i have no hope that anything will change in the next month...i have nothing...except for the same heartache ive had forever...and it stinks!!! boooo!!!...the good news is i havent cried about it yet (and by yet i mean since april first...haha!)...

so now here i am, 22 days until my birthday comes on may 6 and i will officially be 26 years old...at that point i will be forced to stop referring to myself as josie grosie...and i will start saying i am coach beiste (pronounced beast) instead...and looking at the positive this name wont expire until im 40...thats great, isnt it?....haha!!! ; )

p.s.~ sorry to be on the doom and gloom side today but sometimes ya just gotta let it out ya know...

ready to go

yesterday was cruise booking day! yay!!! thats right folks...little sis and i are all signed up and ready to go on BACKSTREET BOYS CRUISE 2011...ahhhh!!!!...the cruise isnt until december but im excited now!!!...haha!

this year its only gonna be three nights instead of four nights like last year...we are also switching ships...neither of which im too thrilled about but none of it really matters because last year was so much fun, its impossible to pass up this years...shockingly enough i did consider skipping this year and going again in 2012...after i went through a list of reasons why i shouldnt go (too expensive, less days, old boat, the princess' wedding the week after, etc)...i said "oh who am i kidding, of course im gonna find a way to go!"...haha!!!

going into booking day little sis and i had a plan...we decided we wanted to get a grand suite...with a grand suite you are guaranteed the first 3 rows for all events!!...this needed to happen to avoid the great last row debacle of 2010...haha...so at noon i started to hit the link to book...of course it didnt go through...i got "server busy please try again" for over a half hour...ugh...and when i finally got on all the grand suits were gone!...double ugh!...so we ended up getting an ocean suite instead...which is still good but not great...the whole thing was very stressful...oh well...at least we have a cabin and we are still guaranteed first 4 rows so yay!!!

i am so excited for this trip...its going to be awesome!...and as a bonus ill be able to get some type of tan for the wedding...yay!

now all i have to think about is door dec...we've had a ton of ideas but none of them are really as good as last year...i still dont know how to top that door of awesomeness!...haha!

well i must be going now...until next time happy blogging! =)