one step at a time

its no secret that my biggest desire is to find love...its also no secret that i dont do anything to find it...i think a big part of that is being afraid...i am scared out of my mind of being rejected, being laughed at, being made fun of, all that stuff...maybe im just not ready...let me rephrase that...im def not ready to let my guard down...its a lot easier for me to choose to hang out in the background instead of being pushed there...

i have big problem with getting inside my head...i cant just do things...i have to think about them over and over...and i have to play out every possible scenario in my head...trying to find one where i dont end up looking like a fool...i cant find one...so then i end up not doing anything...all because i psyched myself out...

i have to change my ways...the only way to do it is to take baby steps...if i slowly change then its more likely to stick...i dont really have anything planned out...but i do know that step one has to be self confidence...i have to start believing that i can do it and not be so afraid of the outcome...

so sadly im going to put my quest for a boyfriend on hold...how can i expect someone else to love me if i dont love myself???...i have to get over whatever it is thats holding me back...and then i can truly be happy...

even though im saying im putting this on hold...am i really? how can i put something on hold that ive never actively pursued...ugh...now im talking in circles...so really nothings changing on the bofo front...im not gonna go looking but if sports guy came in one day and said "hey clark kent wants to go on a date with you" i would be like when and where?!? count me in!!!...and thats not any different than before...sooo....i dont even know what im saying anymore....

anyway...i dont know what to do...i feel like im talking jibberish and not making any sence...but long story short is im going to work on improving myself...i want to be the best ashley i can be...and the only way i can get to that point is to take one step at a time...it may take a while but im gonna do it...im going to make some changes and move forward with my life...i can do it!