this past weekend i went to the shore to celebrate big sister's birthday...we went to the tiki bar which was fun...then later we went back to the house and thats when things turned real ugly real fast...
as you know (well at least i think you do) being chronically single is a very sensitive subject for me...i hate every part about it...and the fact that ive never even been on a date nor have i ever been kissed makes the whole thing even worse (and more embarrassing!) for me...its something that i think about EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!...most days i push it to the back of my mind and continue to live my life without it bringing my spirits down...but some days i cant push it away...saturday was one of those days...
it all started when f.u.n. brought up this story about adele...basically she said adele tried online dating using a fake name and no one wanted to date her because of her weight....well thats great...if freaking adele cant find a date how am i ever going to find one...why do guys have to be so shallow???...i have no interest in hearing stories like this one...it just makes me upset and feel like there is no hope for me and i will be alone forever...but in stead of freaking out after f.u.n. told the story i simply said what a terrible story and left the room...i tried to forget about it...
later on that night she decided it was necessary to tell the story again...before she even started i said please dont tell the story i dont like it...but she just had to tell it anyway...this time i couldnt just ignore it...i couldnt push back the tears anymore...
once they started to flow i couldnt stop them...it was uncontrollable...anytime anyone said anything i felt worse and more tears came...of course they werent saying just random things...no, they had to talk about being in love and how great it is...ugh....i wanted to scream "umm hello! im a mess right now because ive never been in love....now is not the time to say its awesome"....but of course i couldnt talk cause a) its extremely tough for me to actually say whats wrong and b) i would have just cried more if the words came out...
on top of that everyone was having their own issues that night...so then i felt bad cause my problems arent as bad as theirs...in fact they are pretty trivial...and yet i was the only one sitting there sobbing...i felt bad and then i felt stupid and it just led to more tears...but then i thought these feeling are real to me...they arent stupid...so why should i feel bad that this is how i feel...
i hate getting to the point when i cant stop crying...its awful...but sometimes it needs to happen...i need to let it out...i just get so sad thinking about the realistic possibility of being alone forever...it hurts my heart...its just soo hard to feel like nobody wants you...i guess the best way to describe it is i feel like im lost at sea on a teeny tiny boat...just drifting along all by myself...hoping and prying that one day someone will come rescue me...but no one ever comes...why is no one coming? where is my rescue boat i so desperately want???...its so lonely out here... =/
i dont want to cry over this time and time again...but reality is that i probably will...i was doing pretty good today but just writing all this out is bringing up all these emotions again...oh boy...*deep breath*...the really sad part is that i do absolutely nothing to change it...i could try online dating...but i dont...i could go out more to try to meet someone...but i dont...hey i could even tell sports guy at work to to set me up with his friend who works downstairs...but i dont...my life so far has shown me that boys want nothing to do with me...so its hard to put myself out there when im 99.9% sure that rejection will follow (i hate rejection!!)...its so much easier to sit at home and cry about it...ugh...im so lame...
im so sorry that ive been so doom and gloom lately...but this is the only outlet i have where i say how i truly feel...i find it a little easier to write the hard stuff than to say it...ya know....
but no worries...i will be okay...and i have some exciting things coming up this summer...so hopefully ill get talk about all of them and you can hear only happiness coming from this blog from now on...
love you all!!! <3 <3 <3
1 comment:
I relate to this blog so so much! I too have never been in a relationship or in love. Sometimes I really feel like I will never ever find someone. I'm almost 27, shouldn't something have happend by now?? I admit I am so scared that being in love just isn't in the cards for me. I hope that that isn't true!
I finally decided to bit the bullet and do online dating. I am no skinny and very few people e-mail me because of it. However a couple of people have and even though I wasn't interested back, it gives me hope that not all guys are shallow!
You need to believe in yourself and love yourself. Otherwise guys will see right through you. I've just started to realized this and I'm working on it every day. So can you!! It's never to late!!
Post a Comment