holding on

hey kiddies!

before we get into the goods i just want to say that one of my new years resolutions is to write in my handy dandy blog more...umm so far i am failing miserably...haha...this is only post number 2 for the year and its already february...i better step up my game...dont worry i have lots of things brewing in my head...so they will come out sooner rather than later...but i make no promises!...haha!...well lets get on with it shall we...

i have realized that i hold on to way too much stuff...and while i am a borderline hoarder, im not talking about physical things...im talking about ideas and emotions and all that good stuff...so for the sake of this entry lets focus on what i focus on best...boys of course!...haha!...

its no secret that i want more than anything to find a boyfriend but i have an extremely difficult time doing so...i think part of the problem is that i have a hard time letting go...i start crushing on a guy and thats it...its gotta be him or no one...and its not like i like a guy for a short amount of time...for instance i crushed on the same boy from 2nd grade until 8th grade...thats 7 years people...see not short...well i guess the crush on new guy didnt last too long but the guy moved to hawaii and i went on for months still crushin...thats a problem...

even now with concert guy...my brain is 100% confident that there is absolutely no way he sees me as anything more than a friend...and yet i cant let go...i over analyze everything hes ever said to me trying to search for a hidden meaning that isnt there...i just cant give up on the glimmer of hope...ya know...for a while i was even contemplating telling him how i felt...but for what?...for him to tell me something that i already know?...or to completely destroy the little bit of friendship i have left with him?...or to be rejected yet again?...i dont think i could handle it...its really not worth it...but i was stuck...trying to move forward but making very little progress because i wasnt willing to give up...

then out of the blue i received a text from him...and my very little progress flew right out the window...haha!...the butterflies came rushing back...i was so excited...my imagination ran wild with all the things it could possibly say...all it said was that he was gonna take the train in the morning...so of course i got myself all hyped up to see him again...and of course i played out a million different scenarios in my head of what could happen...and each one was more fabulous than the last...unfortunately reality never lives up to the fantasy...when i actually saw him it was slightly awkward...i wasnt really sure what to say...suddenly everything i thought about saying seemed so stupid...but what actually came out of my mouth was even worse...ugh...haha!...so now after that i know i have to let go of him and look for someone completely new...im still holding on a little...but now its by a pinkie finger instead of a full on 2 hand death grip...haha!!!

if i really want to find a man then there is one more thing i need to let go of...i need to let go of the idea i have in my head that "how could anyone possibly love me"...i know its terrible to think but i do...and its not something i like to admit that i think but i do...its always there lingering in the back of my mind...i really really need to let go of that thought...and once i do that i will truly be able to move one...but until that day im stuck...but i wont give up!!!

sorry to be on the woe is me side tonight but sometimes i just need to get these things off my chest ya know...it helps me feel better...and itsnt that part of the reason for blogging?!...well im off...maybe ill watch some boy meets world tonight...that always makes me happy!!! =)