all by myself

little sisters boyfriend dj is at my house all the time...not just when cort is home but when shes not there too...i'm not complaining or anything cause lets face it i dont have much of a social life and hanging out with him is way better than hanging out with my parents every night...dj and i are like bffs now...lol...

so last week he comes into my house and says "if they ever do another family edition of the amazing race i think me cort kate and chase would be a good team"...omg its one of my dreams in life and hes just gonna kick me off the family team like that!!!...i couldnt believe it...so in that one little sentence that was meant to be completely harmless he brought up all of my repressed panic of omg i am going to be alone for the rest of my life...

there really is no hope for me...i should just except it...but it makes me really sad...ya know that saying is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...well i'm gonna go with the first part because it has got to be better than this...if i dont think about it i'm okay but when its thrown in my face it's kinda depressing...i know dj doesnt mean to upset me when he says things like "this winter me and cort and chase and kate are gonna go skiing do you want to go with us"...yeah sure i'll go theres nothing like being the 5th wheel on a ski trip and pay for everything...are you kidding me? NO I DONT WANT TO GO...its just another slap in the face...ya know...

its completely my fault to because no matter how much i pretend like i have my act together in reality i dont...i have super low confidence in myself...i say things to myself like "ugh how could you even think that any guy would ever be interested in you"...and because i have this mindset i dont put myself out there at all...and if i dont put myself out there i'll never find anyone...and if i dont ever find anyone then my self confidence goes down...so its an evil cycle that i cant seem to break out of...and to those of you who say just get out there my answer to you is its not that easy...sure in theory it makes sense but in practice it just doesnt work...i'm getting anxiety right now just thinking about it...

so yeah i built up this box that i live in and i cant seem to get out of it...i tried this year i really did but i seem to be right back where i started...i dont know what to do to fix it but i want to...i really dont want to be alone for the rest of my life...that is my biggest fear in life...i want to find someone to love and who will love my back...is that too much to ask for?...i dont think so...if everyone else can find their match where is mine?....grrrr...its sad and frustrating all at the same time...

i guess that enough of my whining...**sigh**...i'll talk to you later

???

i feel like i should write a blog right about now but im not sure what exactly to say...things are just kind of coasting for me right now...

sure i can go on and on about how much i cant stand stupid phil at work but its the weekend and i dont really want to think about that creature until i am forced to see him on monday morning...ugh...and even if i did rant about how gross he is i dont think anyone would ever believe me...and if you did believe me i dont even know if i could discribe him good enough...its def a you gotta see to believe type of sitch..

or i could talk about how much i love to nap but i think i'll save that for a day when i want to take a nap...cause now i just feel like going to sleep for the night...no nap needed...

or i could talk about he fact that little sister has a boyfriend now...so now all 3 of my sisters have a boyfriend...(well one has a husband but still)...so that leaves me all by myself...but i dont want to get into this topic because i dont want the snowball effect...no need to get sad cause im DTS and im going to have an awesome weekend...no sadness....

okay so i guess i said enough....so im gonna go...maybe one day all of these topics will get their own blog...maybe not...only time will tell....

how about some real life

so i talk alot about tv but i have a life outside of the television world too so lets discuss this some

so this weekend i went dts (down the shore)...hopped on the train after work and the come home today...saturday i went swimming at my sister's house...my little squish a lish was super cute just like always!!!...later i went back to the house and got ready for band night...this band was really good and tons of fun...deb ordered excellent food from runners and lennys...the whole night was hit and i had tons of fun!!!!....today was on the gloomy side and it turned out to be rather stormy so we just stayed in the house, watched movies, and played spades...i was partners with wanda...we lost to cort and jill but not by much it was a close game...so most of the day was good...

...until the ride home. (warning im about to have a venting woe is me moment)..i was talking to my sister and asking her about this new boy at the beach and some how the conversation turned into more then that and i realized that evnthough i thought i was close to my sisters im really not...they dont tell me anything...EVER...it all goes back to the stupid box i live in...and i guess they think that i would be upset with them or diapopinted or something i dont know...but i dont think that they understand that it hurts me more to know that they keep secrets from me but find it okay to tell just about everyone else....i mean if i had anything to tell, i would tell them...but maybe i wont now because they clearly dont care to tell me...and the worst part is the fact that she said well i didnt tell anyone in the family...well im sorry last time i checked meg britt kate and ty are in our family...and some of the other people she chooses to confide in over me just really hurts my feelings...and then when i get upset about one thing all the other things that make me sad come flooding in...its like a snowball effect...so its just all bad right now...but whatever ill get over it...i always do and by tomorrow i will be back to my typical cheerful self...

good night